Khamis, 14 Ogos 2014

I Think I Lost Him

Well, to be really honest, since Eid, our relationship has been jacked up. Like seriously jacked up. Forget ups and downs. Literally, everything decreased from me and from Azrai. No more love texts. I mean, sweet, long love texts. No more calls. Just a chat. A simple short-timed chit chat in which on the other is due to my first move texting him in the first place. Why do I need to do everything first than him? No no, I'm not saying that I detest everything I do for him whether it got to be me doing it first or not. To clear things up, Azrai, since he got back to Melaka, and until Eid is fucking finished ( Presumably, on the 7th day ), he never shown me any sort of caring behaviour. He was like stopping to text me. Ignoring every texts I sent him. I don't know if he was too busy with many things back there, but at least please find a time for me. Don't fool me. Do not fool me and tell me that you didn't have anytime at all. Humans rest fucker!! You see, these sort of problems are actually such a beast.  It kill me to do and focus on everything cause on my mind, there is only him.

I remember the first day he went back to hometown, he told me that he will spend so much time with his family. Look, I'm no expert to guess what you do there but thank God, I still can accurately assume from my instinct, what you would do if I would have not texted him in a first place. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing that attracts me happily is that Azrai treats me nicely. Understands me. When I say, I love you, I mean it. Love me irreplacebly. Give me tender and affection. But now, everything is changed. Changes that are not entirely expected from me. He strayed off from my mind day by day. I try so much not to lose him. For God's sake, the efforts that I put into having him still with me and loving him more and more despite what mentally and physically abusemenst he has done to me, are priceless. Since Eid, he has changed a lot. A lot! I understoond from the first day he went back hometown how drastic his act would have been. That was the alert arm. It has rung many time throughout Eid and until now. Azrai kept making excuses that are for me, is diabolical. 

The word 'ABIY' he used to call me, is  no longer playing in any text. Pasts were the times we had fun. And pasts were the times, though me and him are so distanced, we managed to work everything out. And pasts said it all. Now, in this presence time, it is unlikely to see 'Abiy' appeares in his text. I know, I always play the victim. I have to 'find' him everytime. On any random circumstances, I am the one that have to 'find' him in the first place. I'm not condemning. I'm not telling that I'm tired of doing that. For Azrai, I would do anything for him if it takes life between the thinnest line to have him with me, yes I would do. Cause I love him so much. And on that particular part, I just need him to know that I might be resting for awhile. I may be having a lonely time. That my day has been fucked up. So I need him back. I need Azrai to 'find' me and tell me everything that is going on in his days. That type of caring and loving gesture, are the needs for me. In my pasts, I had to fight for my lovers. I faught for them to stay. Loved them with all my heart. I had to sacrifce, God knows what. Everyfuckingthing, was so damned. And now, with Azrai, I hate to do that to him. I don't want that to happen on him.

Since my last brokeup, I think, 2-3 years ago, I vowed myself to not have any relationship. I'm the relationship I need for myself. But then I met Azrai on Instagram. ( I will update our first meet on the next entry ). Coming from where we started clapped eyes on each other, I find Azrai to be the most loved person I ever had and I ever loved. In my perspective and personal life cases, for every person and every unkown stranger whom I've met in the past, just to top my point in the previous sentence, Azrai tops every living thing. Seriously, nobody has ever done this to me. Yes we fight. And yes I've beaten him. And yes Azrai was swollen on his parts of his body. I beat the shit out of him. ( I'll tell why I did that on the next entry ). Having said that, the agony I had when I did that to him, was painful. I lost self-control. If I hadn't controlled it, Azrai was a dead man. You see, I know we faught, I know I've sworn at him many times, but that don't stop me a single second, from loving him.  I guess, Azrai has already met someone else.

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