Jumaat, 26 Disember 2014

Au Revoir 2014.

Assalamualaikum and  Salam Sejahtera. Well, guys this is the last entry for 2014. I know, I haven't written anything much this year. There are only few of them that I wrote and it all mostly about my fucked up love life and that are quite selfish. That's the word I guess. I knew that the minute I decided to write back, I should have shared every hardship, constant battles I went through, the lies I did and I faced up and all the life's greatest obstacle in which in some parts I managed to pretend like it never happened. Loosing the memory off this year, gonna be hard. It goes the same on he previous years. I know I should have written more. Time changes rapidly and the only thing that seperates my writing and everything is the future I can't foresee. All the rest of my valid, oblivious, ready-to-achieve goals have been succeded. As to what I know, this is the only year that I feel like I did nothing. Literally, I feel like throughout this 365 days, the only things I do are watching loads of movie, loads of tv shows, listen to loads of music, loads of people's life complaints, reading loads of books, witnessing loads of trust issue of people, making sure loneliness strikes me every middle midnight, eating loads of healthy foods, jogging as much as I can, crying the living shit out of me everytime I watch Mariah Carey's performance during her leagues years, remembering every One Direction's lyrics to their every song off their '4' album, going out with friends and new friends, a complete stranger I know in Tagged, or PlanetRomeo  or Grindr to town and getting to know each other's shitty life story that I  personally don't like to do with a stranger but I did it anyway due to affirmative boredom strike, watching back my stupidly annoying lip-syncing videos which I recorded in my Tab that I have posted all of them on Youtube so that everyone can see the stupid, annoying, horrid side of myself, sharing every little realization with my writing which hypocritically I wrote in my blog so that everyone reads it and feels like they should punch me  in the face for keep telling my fucked up love story, recklessly refusing every wedding invitation from anyone, hating on and on at how Emma Thompson didn't get nominated at the Academy Awards for her brilliant performance in Saving Mr. Banks, rewatching back the Golden Globes, Oscar, SAG Awards, Emmy Awards, VMAs, Billboard Music Awards, EMAs, AMAs. You see? I don't really do nothing this year. Except the parts of how which I constantly bragging about how marvellous Meryl Streep in 'August: Osage County', of  Chiwetel Ejiofor's mind-blowing performance in '12 Years A Slave'. 

You know, I have just confirmed that I'll be working next year. Hahaha. Yes yes yes. What a new year resolution that is right? I'm mocking my ownself just to say that sentence. Telling my friends and my family about it is another joke they laugh hilariously at and that  for me, is indeed very therapeutic. Motivational, basically speaking. It is the oppurtunity, which I often talk about amongst my friends. Supportive as they can be, I still find it very hard to get a job. So, I'm determined to really get a job. Enough said. I remember last year, we were all together as family celebrating  new year's ever at Kuala Lumpur. It was the day I couldn't forget for the rest of my life. Although, I must say, 2010-2013, were the greatest years of the celebrating new year. Those were the best days that all of our friends were together. Friends from every corner of Kuala Lumpur. Some too, were from outside of Kuala Lumpur coming down to Kuala Lumpur just to celebrate together. Friends from Ampang, Taman Melati, Sentul,  Cheras, Bangsar, Gombak, Selayang, Batu Caves, Kg. Baru, Jalan Ipoh and many more. I remember my closest group of friends, from Pantai Dalam. They had the most joyest laugh and whenever we hang out, meet together, we make jokes out of nothing and fucking laugh until of us shed  tears down the cheeks. That was some magnificent memories we ever had. And for me, I personally think, that can't be top at all from any of the present event of celebration I have. Those days, I had to be presumptuous that I were to make memorable memories with my friends at everything we do, I just had to expect more. Sometimes, I expect too much, I tend to hide the things I though were unimaginatively good to be turned out to. Whenever we all gathered together,  they will be laughter, joyest smile, fight at the scene, making out in the public to the couples, running around like a maniac with bags hanging at the back and unfinished ciggarette dangling at the lips, and mostly, dirty talk war. Oh yes we did. We still do it. Just when everyone gets to calm down, there will be, surely, one dirty potty mouth, popping out words and will trigger a dirty talk war. Curses all over everyone. I loved  it! I loved dirty talk war. We cursed  everyone around. Just our friends, not to strangers. If  we did, it had to be the stupidest thing anyone could think of to do. Then, after the curses were done, we sat down at the bench at Pavillion. Watching the 'scenery' at which we all talked about the lingering, littering people at there. The very own new curses sometimes  were invented. We had had hardness to went through this habit. To overcome it. Never doing it  for once but it is in our blood. This is us. We are being us. We were spectacular it. That, I missed the most. Every little things we did as friends, waiting for the clock to tick right at 8 pm and we off to KLCC. Our place of celebration. The birth of new joy and new sentiment of fighting in scene. Lol. We didn't fight, but if one of us were threaten by any other member of other group, we  stood together and just fight. But, for the past 4 years of celebrating new years eve at KLCC, we hadn't encountered ourselves into a fight. We all were malevolent to all types of people. You know, locals, non-locals. KLCC is the only place that is basically gets bombarded by all types of people. Forgive me for saying this, but I don't enjoy it at all. Well, I just have to get used to don't I? There are non-Malaysian dancing around, the smelt of left diapers, the air is just sucked out of the atmosphere  and finally, I realize I suck in the not so very air kind of air. It is more like a sledghammer, hammering my fucking throat. Just sucks! Don't get me wrong here, I do enjoy having loads of different type of people in one crowded airless place, but the other half of those different type of people that are smelt of oil palm tree. Stinks man. Nevermind, I'll manage with that. It had been the sickest way of relieve for most of us, friends, to let ourselves up to the point which 'This is new year's eve. We don't care what we see, hear or smell, this is a celebration. And we fucking celebrate'. Suchaaaaaaaaaaaaa motto right? I can say that, I miss my friends. Whenever they are, they are all my friends. Though it is hard for me sometimes to spend time with them or how sometimes I just monologue myself alone in my room and thinking about the memories we all once had and shared. Spread the love Zack. Live the excitement. 

We all have been staying as connected as we can for this upcoming new year's eve celebration. Hm-hm, calling everyone. Being nice with old nemesis. Staying positive as possible at the horrible recent event occuring right now. Massive flood. All over east coast of Semenanjung Malaysia. Blurgh. I feel sorry for everyone. The victims and the families anywhere they are. So, we all have decided that this year's celebration is going to be KLCC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yes we all will be there. We all will be making chaos all over the streets of Kuala Lumpur. We all will be dancing and running around with Vans shoes, blonde hair, particularly me with the red hair, we all will be spitting out gums at each other, cursing at each other until the joy of it turns out as suffering and  fighting and yeah we will leave out  footprints on the ground if you fuckers would love to join us. Hopefully that this year will be the biggest celebration of all. I can't wait to meet everyone. Seeing the faces of my old friends and newly friends. Hugging until we can feel the back bones of each other. Kisses and making out too! My greatest gratitude to all the victims of flood. I see you guys in 2015. I love yall  and thank you for being a part of this greatest journey of my life. I want to thank every single one of you for reading my blog. 2014 may not be the best year for my blog but I shall in 2015. Happy New Year Malaysian. Happy holiday everyone. I miss my friends.  Be kind and be safe. Assalamualaikum and Salam Sejahtera Good bye 2014.  

Jumaat, 19 Disember 2014

You Hurt Me. I Don't Like It So Much.

Assalamualaikum and Salam Sejahtera. Well, I know it has been quite a long wait for yall. Well, I waited myself to write more. Now, I sort of have gotten the 'writing' back. The 'ideas' back so to say. Before I gallop off to the sense and sensibility that is, my pile of positivities, energatic passion, and once for all, my enganges towards the very 'wet' part of my life, love life and love life. Yeah, I said it twice. It is a big deal. Love life. Doesn't it fascinates you that everytime I write, love always pops out into every entries. You know, this morning, around 6 am, I was listening to some of Birdy songs; 'People Help The People', '1901', 'Wings', 'Standing In The Way Of The Light' and many more and I sort of felt like the songs were speaking to me. I know, it's spooky. It was what I felt during the emotional encounter that happened between my soul and her lovely voice. Just keeps playing in my ears. Her notes are really smooth. The vibratos in between every lines, end perfectly to her singing. Through Birdy, the normal heart of me, beats faster. I can imagine the only beautiful voice to be heard, to be recognized by the people, yet she has that voice. Her voice is instrumental. Enough said, well, yall know that 'guy' whom I talked about over and over again in my two entries? Yeah, turns out, he is a sucker! Son of a bitch. A low life brat who constantly neglecting every good thing I do to him, I sacrifice for him. A misfit, whose fucked up life is a never-ending. So, that sums it up I guess? Yall know what I mean by the short elaboration of random swear sentences just now. I hate that guy. He is prolly the worst nighmare of all nighmares I ever had. Looking back at how horrid this has been, I solemnly swear that it would be a great pleasure yet again, for my own self relieves, to act upon this horrible situation, forget everything. Forget that little prick. Eventually, this is not the end of the world. This is not the end of my dream of having a perfect love life. Yes I crave. Yes I need it. Everyone does. To me, this incident is another stone step for me to excell my trust issue and to dream less when there is more much to expect. Anyways, enough silliness, I hate you bitch :)

Isnin, 1 Disember 2014

Our First Movie Together.

Assalamualaikum. And Salam Sejahtera. I'm beginning this entry by saying that 'I absolutely love him'. And with that being said, this entry is the connection from the previous entry below. I met Ejat over Facebook. Long time ago. We first had our conversation on Facebook and things were kinda fucked up along the way during the pasts and we lost contact each other and I never heard of him ever since. Sometimes, I did text him. A call. But it weren't like the proper type of calls I had with anyone. And he knows I liked him long ago. My feelings never changed. They are still fresh and it blossoms everytime. If I hadn't make a move, to call him, text him in the first place long ago, I don't know what the hell am I gonna do with this feeling. I held it for so long and somehow we met again over the internet. It was on one social network. Planetromeo. So from that moment, we clapped eyes with each other again and ever since that happened, I have been the happiest person in the world. Look what you have to me Ejat. I fell in love with him at just one glance to his profile picture. P/S, he is a good looking man. No doubt. So, what makes me happy is that, he felt so happy that we met again. Never ever in his life, he has been this happy. I felt happiness too the second I heard his voice on the phone. It was beautiful. Well, to be honest, I did swoon. Blushing so much. 

So, from the previous entry, I stated that we had out first  meet at KL Sentral and things went great  that day. Literally, happiest I've ever had. He looked happy to meet me. No wonder, he was so shy before we meet. Well, shy is a good thing people. You will end up happy with anyone you have feelings or emotions at. I felt that too. From his look, I could tell, he was so shy by my side  And we walked into NU Sentral Mall cause I was basically on that day, supposed to find a job. That was what I asked him for. And the walk felt good. I looked at him first and asked him 'Dah makan', 'Kenapa tipu I tadi. Kata dah sampai lama', 'You jahat' and he just smiled big. And goodness, his smile. I even got butterflies in my stomach just to see he smiles. He stuttered. Shy and innocent. We went up the highest level just to atleast make the survey smooth. From up and all the way down. That is how I do whenever I go out shopping or anything. Hm-hm, he went along great. No excuses. We talked about many things. I did catch him looked at me sometimes. Starry looks. Best thing is, he didn't feel shy at all whenever I said something about us. You know, I always joke about marriage. He always laughs when I talk about the topic. From the moment I talked about 'How would our marriage look like', 'What theme it would be', 'Do you wanna have children or not', I started to call him sayang. In public. At first, he got all happy and easy about it. Loving everytime he smiles when I call him that. He just smiles and of course, I feel happy to call him that. Its just my thing. So, we walked through the whole mall. It was super crowded. Parade of humans. Hunger of freedom to shop. Since it is a new mall. Along the way, I have asked in for vacancies. Few retail stores. And when it all got done, I asked to go to Empire in Subang Jaya. 

The walk to the ticket counter from the escelator down to the below level was smooth. I grabbed him by his neck. Smoothly just play with his hair. He didn't glance away from it. Matter of fact, I did hug him. Just kinda lean it towards him and held his waist from the back. Held him tight and he didn't give me a bad response. No pushing away. Well, I supposed that worked out well. Got to the counter station. At first, we saw the que was too long so we decided to go straight to the vending machine. I slipped in my two fingers into my pocket and took out a piece of RM 10. The total amount of the tickets  was nearly RM 6 or so. A ticket was RM 2.80 if I'm not mistaken. ( I forgot ). So, I looked at the screen, RM 10 wasn't availabe for the purchase cause the amount was not accessable for it. So, he took out his wallet without any thoughts and tried to slip in the amount. A ringgit by ringgit at a time. It didn't work out. Tried many times. We even laughed together at that time. So we ended lining up to the counter ticket. After finishing with the ticketing, we went out to the platfrom. To Pelabuhan Klang. We searched for sits, but as I mentioned, that day was so crowded. Each platfrom was crowded with people coming and going. Our platform was fairly the same. It was weekends and what to expect right? As we got to the platform, he stood still for a moment. Checking his phone and everything. I was quite away from him. He was standing right infront the big fan. I was sweating. Not that  much. Just a dripping little sweats. Then, he talked out "I laparlah". I smiled and was like "Nak makan apa lepas ni" - "Um, entahlah" - "I nak makan roti canai lah" - "Roti canai? Haaa, pagi je ada roti canai" - "You makanlah roti canai. I nak makan lain" ( That was the  conversation. I didn't exactly remember the exact words )
The train arrived, we sat on the horizental sits where just two people are supposed to sit. Near the windows. We sat on the left sides of the train. He sat on my left side by the window. The two of us just kinda talked along the way. I let him to hear some of my favorite songs. One specifically that I gave him 'Boys 2 Men - End Of The Road' but the noise of the train was too loud, we couldn't hear it clearly. But I kept it playing. 

We arrived at Subang Jaya station. Walked out off the station and made our way to Subang Parade. He wanted to eat. At that time all I thought was movie. I wanted to watch movie. Just at that right moment 'Hunger Games; MockingJay Part I' is out so I supposed I had to ask him then since that was the only clear and right moment to do that. He didn't know anything. I braved myself to go for it. Right after the entered Subang Parade, we walked for a bit. Stroll around the mall. A lot of people too. There were some exercise thingy. A bunch of people dancing accordingly following the person on a stage stretching and moving to the music. It was quite a show. During that time, I still hadn't ask him about the movie. He looked super hungry. We went down to the lowest level. The food court. He still hadn't make any choice where to eat. What to eat. I did come up with some suggestions. Mamak for instance. I bet he needed to eat something heavy. Rice or something. I saw Chicken Rice Shop, asked him, and he said okay then we ate there. I still hadn't ask him about the movie. At CRS, I kept asking him about how he felt about me. How he felt about my feeling towards him. You know, a lot happened at that time. ( I personally, don't have to tell that part ) So, after finished, we walked.  I wanted to ask him but I was just fucking scared. So, purposely, I walked to the movie theater. Just atleast to give him a headstart. A though. An idea. I asked him then 'Tengok movie nak? - 'Nak tengok ke?' - 'Jomlah'. He was in dilemma at first. I didn't expect any good or bad response. Just a movie. Lol. So, he was like 'Okay jomlah' - 'Okay jom' . We got to the screening. I absolutely went 'Hunger Games!!!!!!!' - 'Pukul berapa you?' . The movies started at 3.10 pm. At that time the clock ticked 2.00 pm. An hour free. 

So, the rest of the day went along great. Movie was great. What we did in the movie was great. What we didn't do in the movie was great. Lol. The day passed by so fast. I couldn't tell you all more. I will update it in the next entry. Thank you :) 

Sabtu, 22 November 2014

You Made Me A Different Person Sayang.

Assalamualaikum and Salam Sejahtera. Well, it has been done. What I scared the most, has happened. Remember when I mentioned in the earlier entries that I will not have any love relationship cause I hate on commitment that I will be so far away from having someone special in particular? Well, yesterday ( 22/11/2104 ) was the day that I have legit made that statement, as so false. I met someone :) Someone I adored for all these past years. Well, yesterday was also the day we actually first met. Ever. I mean properly. Generally speaking, I swore not to have a relationship. I made that rule to myself. Never to break it. Well, people say, "Sometimes, it's good to break the rules". I did it. With him, I felt to much different. Different than anyone else I ever been with. First of all, he made me a different person. You know the smallest simplest thing. Actually he was the one I waited for so long to meet or if could, to love. Cause he is so kind. And the way he looks at me. And then he smile away from me. Glance away from my face. Candybling. 

Actually, I texted him around 5 am that day, asking if possible he could accompany me to find a job. I insisted him to come with me and also I took a chance on him to meet him. Well, it was clearly what I wanted to do right? Finding a job as well as meeting him properly for the first time. Clearly I planned that. Lol. And he said yes. I didn't exactly expect that from him. Cause I thought he was going to turn me down. The request I asked him, was quite forcing. Especially, around 5 am in the morning. I was awake that time. Well, it was the obvious step to take right? Ask him during his sleep. When he agreed to come, I just smiled so big, it reached to my ears. So big. Wish I hadn't being so excited. Cause literally, everything was so good after that. We talked through. And yeah, I said to meet at KL Sentral cause it is easier. Plus, we could stop by NU Sentral mall to find a job cause the mall has just opened for few months and hopefully I could ask for any job there. And there we go, I was getting ready and he texted me that he already on his way to KL Sentral. At that time it was so quick. The clock ticked, 11.30 pm. We supposed to me around 12 pm. I set that time so, basically, I was supposed to be there first and there was I, half-naked in my room, listening to Beyonce's ' I Miss You'. I didn't know that he got out that fast. KTM station Kg. Batu was just 500m from my house. Technically, I thought, I was gonna make it on time. But I didn't think so. It was not reachable to that. In my mind, he will get mad. Cause, maybe he doesn't like waiting. Maybe he wants our first meet to be proper. I thought that too so well. I rushed to judgement. Grabbed everything in my sight. Put in my bag and I off to KTM station. The clocked ticked 11.45 am. More nervous. He texted me earlier, that we just arrived. Well, fuck it. I'm screwed. He will wait for atleast 20 minutes. I was so nervouse, I walked so fast to the station. "Please don't let this screw me up"  I prayed to God so many times. Just to atleast, give him patience to wait for me. As soon as arrived at the station, I looked at the clock,  the next train arrives in 15 minutes or so. Well, I texted him right away telling him that I just got in the train. No response. Please don't  get at me. Please. 10 minutes after I got in the train, arriving to the next station, Putra. I got a text from him. He said, he couldn't wait any longer, he wanted to go back. I was literally, going to cry. I beg him to stay and wait for me for 10 minutes. The train continued. I was cursing, please move faster you piece of junk. Slow shit. The train arrived at Kuala Lumpur. The next thing I know, was please let this train move now. He texted me, 'It has been an hour. I waited for you. You said 12 pm. And now, it's already 1 pm'. I told him that the train is so slow and please wait for me. And he was like "Actually I just arrived" OMG. Literally, I was so relieved. He fooled me. Lol. Thank god this didn't turn up wrong. 

And....... yeah. we met. Yeyyyyyy! I was nervous. I won't lie. He looked at me. I looked at him. It was milisecond quick. Then, we shooked hands. No hug. Then we spent our day properly. I will tell you about what happened the rest of the day, in the next entry. 

Isnin, 3 November 2014

The Very Personas Of Ones Life

Assalamualaikum. Salam Sejahtera. Well, it hasn't been that long since the last entry has it? Hm, I really hope yall waited patiently. Would it be better if I updated my blog every single week? Well, from the get-go, or so to call, my new life's resolution upon my passionate desire for my blog, I wanted to update my blog if could, every single week. Its just, I have a lot to live for. Not saying I'm a very busy man, just some things are worth settled for. Anyways, this is my update, up until now, I'm still single. No love. No fuck buddy. No sweet call from anyone special in particular. Completely normal life for me. Normal ordinary life. Plus, I decided not to have any relationship with anyone until I get a new job. Been few months now. Jobless. Staying at home, watching movies after movies. Spending life with books, writing and music. Pretty much a perfect life right?  Is it the life that I wanted years ago before before I ended high school that perhaps, was my biggest aim in life? I'd say yes. Just let myself to be me. I can just be me by being me. It is a must that I keep it that way. No turning around. No incomplete of personality. Even I had to face a much tougher problem that I couldn't cope with, it still had to be me. Now, that Azrai is gone, I still feel like my love in my heart, never empties. Just to be truth, it don't matter how I wanted to stray off from the thought of him, but still never works. The missing of Azrai. Forget about it Zack! He never come back to you. But our love remains the deepest in my heart. Just for now, in the mean time, starting over ain't worth it anymore. With New Year's Eve around the corner, and making new resolutions ain't gone make me a better person. Jobless. Could I be this strong to be in that situation where everything I wanted just fly away before my eyes? Not saying that I want to have fancy everything, money isn't eveything, but I believe I need money. That is just the nature of it. The nature of how things work. I partially don't care about having the same things in life, but overall perspective over myself that I could say is that, I need a job. Miss how I really used to wake up early morning when the time I worked my first job. Its the feeling of that. Seeing everyone in the morning. At the bus stop, coffee shop, bars and even the cleaning ladies up until now are the ones I missed. Going to work. Morning was my weakest time yet the one I wanted to go through. I had managed. Turning down every single job opportunities. I'm not sure, if now, I need some times away from everything or the truth about it is that I never understood that the needs of myself is a prioritized box of chances. Chances that either myself nor anyone around me could never ever give. Oh yes! I genuinely fight for a job. Anyways, my birthday is 3 days from now. So, I'd be more human, less vain, and a loving creature if I could have presents. 

Well, just picture me sitting down alone by the road at a coffee shop reading 'The Truth About The Harry Querbert Affair'. Uh! It certainly what I look forward to. The book itself, reminds me of how complex life can be. How hard it can get when ones can't understand how it works let alone, to survive in serverity. And how easy some mysteries can be untold in a blink of an eye. Let the pigs fly. You be the ones to fulfill your aims Zack. Goals in life are set on high hopes. I could need a help. Yeah. A helping hand reaching down at me. I, apparently stucked in between realizing and believing. I bet to be realizing how hard to be jobless and neve done anything to even change that status quo, is the most horrendous act upon life. Been there, done that. And there is the other way waiting at the end of the tunnel. Believe. I had believed in some sort of kinda fucked up factual fact about how some people say, 'You have to smart to be complicated'. Couldn't agree more. You see, it is uncanny of how it reflects back to my pasts life that the things that I had done or never could have done because I was too scared to atleast sacrifice, are the ones I crazy about. I get crazy over the things I couldn't prove myself if I ain't never done it. I get easily being that, just to show myself up and come down with my friends at the town and being fun and crazy just to the very point of my life, I just wanna get away from horrible situations in life. What could I do better? What could the things I've never done, affect me in any way? The prons and cons? I manipulatively restart my brain and start over again. Telling myself, it's okay if some things go wrong. No. That is a fucked up speech. Ain't nobody want that. Believing that you can't put a stop to some ongoing horrible things in your life and still stick to that until the  very top of extremity. Complicated. That's me. People don't understand me from the very second the got me at 'Hello'. Yes I don't really like arrogant people. Immediate turn off. The deal is, how much extra special attention does I have to give just to come up ordinarily when the surroundings are the people I don't belong to be with. Let alone, shake hands. Should I be pretending to have the connectivity with the ones I hate? I hate to do that. Anyone knows me, can tell how I hate to show anger and hatred upon those people. Sinniest sin I could ever done. So, complicated it is. I usually let the horrids to be where it supposed to be. But, I don't really let go that easily. Nor the people around if they got into verbal fights me. Oh hunny, start clapping if you were about to lose cause that would be the last thing you could deliver to me. Its just, I see myself as a complicated being. They make me complicated. People always say you have love yourself before others will love you, I guess that is harded than some for others. Don't misunderstood. I love myself. I love being complicated. I just let it through myself. Sometimes I feel like, I try too much to fit it, I ended up having dynamite in my face and blow up my whole face. Just for being over trying. It sucks. People always under-estimate. They done giving advice and contradict it back and forth. I personally don't really engage in some sort of things that could make me look badder than I ever be. I mean, it's a problem that my head could never ever cope. It'll make my forehoead weighs so much. And as I recall, the problems in the past have learned me a lesson. A lesson's learned. Lousy problems most of it. So to say, it had make me a better different person. Maybe I just too many personas. Ranging from a very shy person, quiet and self-absorbed to vain, frightful, atrocious kind of person. The really fabric of my personality vary multiple times as I meet more people. As it happens over and over again, I tend to change more. Being different with certain people. Meaning that I don't stick to being the very me. Sometimes, just to flash back many of my personal life crisis, makes me want to pull the trigger at my head. Let it explode. Even the passionate ones. The goods. Save me anyone? Am I being too complicated yet no one understands me? Is it that, the more I change from time to time, has make me look badder that I catagorized my friends? I used to sit on my old chair and just spin my head thinking about everything. Just to keep myself on the track, I would listen to many sad songs. Letting it out. That is the essence of my life. Some big old fucked up way. I have a vision of what I would like my life to look like after some times. But now, what is going on, is me! I am the one. The very being of myself is the key to wanting want I want and striving the very best things I dream about. I have to be brave to figure myself. Having a bunch of mutliple personalities disorder is nothing. Face that. All I ever wanted is to help everyone and by that I have to prioritze the needs for myself in the first place. Let them vary. Such fool of myself, am I? Just let yourself explore life and give the best gift to yourself that is success. Sometimes, I do enjoy being complicated. So that anyone would never understand me. So that, everyone never denies when I say I'm okay when my eyes say differently. So that, I can be in my world. Fucked up, but enjoyable. 

Sabtu, 4 Oktober 2014

That Is When I Knew.

Assalamualaikum. Salam sejahtera.  I think it is meant to be that way. You know, I always tell myself to never give up on love. To never give up finding the right person for me. I tuck myself every night with the thought of that one fine day, could be a day when I met someone who is just truly loves me and totally means it. You know, these past months, I've walked  away from so many people. I've belt out with my inner voices, inner angers, loneliness is just for me. Just on the fact that, I could never ever ever find love in life. Just to the case that, I always fail on love. On keeping my relationship alive. And yeah, I've strayed off from my mind. Strayed off from everything around me. Logics, facts, memories, jokes, pities, guilts, feelings, even self-esteem. I lost self-esteem on getting away from everything. That is when I knew, that I've sunk deeper and deeper into the hole of failure. Failure in everything. I think it is mean to be it. I'm such a loser. It is not that easy to know how pathetic my love life is. Yes I've tried to make love with someone. Yes I've met someone over the internet. Yes I've bumped  into my ex's. Yes I've been myself all while just to feel my true feelings inside. And to know that I've gotten badder and badder on love, I just wanted to give up. It is that knowing of how, I'd say me being desperate. Yes. Calling myself a desperate now. And not ever since in my life, someone come up popping my life. Is it my fault? Is it me being so full of myself  to the fact  that I'm  unnecessarily avoiding my true feelings could put me in lonely? Should I stay tht way? Being desruptive to myself? Lots of times, I get a feeling of need. The need of someone. Frustration covers up my whole inner strength. Mentally, yes I'm fucked up. I try to take the high road. Try to change it. Change my feelings. Get rid of everything that stops me being me. The need of thinking someone every day, every night, every seconds. Needing of affection. Is it less shall I say, backing off a bit, lightens a bit my urge of having someone, could possibly put me away from sleeping with broken heart? Lesser? I don't think so. And yeah, physically, no matter what I do, I see people, bump into my ex's who are having relationship with another person, looking at my ex's pictures, old pictures in which its memories still blazing fresh in my mind. I always think that it is not  a big deal. Strive little Zack. Aim lesser shot. Don't get worked up over nothing. You will find someone. And I've been living believing that getting stucked, fucked up, lost over love, unwanted individuals, horrid confronts. It is what I believed. Somehow, the more I believe in it, the more I wanted  to just get out of that. You know, like a mercy of freedom. Getting the nervousness of not knowing what would happen let alone, what would happen to me in my life is an agonizing truthful life story. 

Guys, I can't tell of any much what I have been through and I had faced in my life. Love life particularly. And practically, I could not even be in someone's shoe, telling them what should have be done, what should not. And yes, practically, I could not even think of myself that some experiences have affected so bad. You know, I lost path.  Many paths. Paths to the way I personally wanted to go to atleast avoid this horrid feelings. Love for me has  been a lesson's learned. Some lessons either have made me or break me. There is no difference at all.  Patronizing as it sounds, I have had an awful lot of worst love life for the past two to four years ago. Seems like, it had to be that way. You know, like it was supposed to be me. Am I always the bad guy here? Aren't there any other villains to face this torture? Like it has been said, mentally I am fucked up. No other empty rooms to be filled with failure of love or frustrations from freedom of missing someone. Faking it is just the way it is. Faking it. Sounds very last minute. Seems such a lost. Seems like I am the looser who just can't stand up back fight. Sayings had pictured the mentioned  previous sentence. No matter how bad you lost, you have got to stand up back straight and fight. And I knew I was strong. I am knowing it now in this presence time. Should I care less about my strength? Should I be appeared in someone's fucked up love story and be the reliever for them, telling them how torn apart their heart is, be brave to fight. While I'm here living and believing even my love life is such a lost to me? Over what reason? Scared of the lonely? I hate doing that to myself. All I need is......................

Living. Believing. That is what keep me alive. That is what I draft away from any negativity. It's like a reached simple cartharsis. Lowered my goals. Just to be in a safe zone. Neglect the bads. I'm living the way I want my life should be. I want to be the kind-hearted person whose living is the example  to everyone. As tempting as it sounds, I'm willingly to take it that way. Just to let myself know that, if no one weren't there for me in time's needing, I have to put myself back up. Sometimes, I might have to let the tears always win. And sometimes I just have to be willing. Let my cheeks flooded with tears. Let my chest get so hurt from crying and get it squeezed after I sob. Let  on be that way. And sometimes, I have to remind myself that  everytime I think, I'm closer. To someone. To someone's heart. I might emerged on someone's mind. Dream possibly could  be. Rules are meant to comply. Is there anything special I could do to even have someone to be mine? Let alone temporarily. Whose live shall I be in? What can I do? 

Rabu, 17 September 2014

A Statement That Changed My Perception.

There was one day, I couldn't fucking remember that day. But roughly, I was going out to Kuala Lumpur. Planned it early before and got off from the house not to much on time. I'm used to doing that. That is me. I walked to the bus stop and had a sit. It was a clear, wonderful and gorgeous day. Sun was madly shining. My cornea shrinked. It was that bright. I was alone at first. No one was waiting there. Maybe the hot day sum up everything. Who would want to be stucked in that. In my mind, I was getting this imaginary scene, that what if I waited here for an hour? What if the bus hasn't come yet after half an hour? Will I be toasted? Will I get stary eyed from pedestrians? Well, fuck it. There is no surprise, stary eyed is the only thing I'm used to. But to be toasted in the middle of the day? Well, what a start. My day is made. Toasted. The first 10 minutes, I was enjoying the breeze. The tantalizing rising sun relaxed my skin a bit. I was sweating. I can't lie. Of course. Well, no one came to join me. No one seemed to come up and atleast be my partner of the excrutiating, deadly weather and loneliness themselves. 

I sighed many times. Kept blaabbermouthing "Where is this fucking bus" many times. I mean patience is one thing. But hot weather is another business unintended. I love swearing. Publicly, I called out many ignoramt bitches and assholes. Well, this feeling of it, it's just unbearable. So I kept swearing in the next 15 minutes. I looked around. Was enjoying the calm sound of the wafted breeze. Literally, it's like Beyonce singing 'Rocket' (For those who haven't listened to that song, try to check it out). And finally! Finally! There was a 'person'. A normal 'person' whom I ain't never had of getting near a judgement over this 'person'. An old, sweet looking Indian auntie came out of the car. Someone dropped her by the bus stop. Wearing a traditional Indian outfit. Sari and stuffs.  She sat near me. Couple yards away but on the same bench. I didn't smile. Quite shy actually. Nahh, I was. Couldn't have been any much better act but to stay still. Checked my stuffs a bit. Checked my phone, if there was any text. Checked my bags. Everything was spot on. Nothing was left home. 

As I was swearing the F word, finally from distance, I saw a moving big vehicle. That was the bus! Alhamdulillah. Good god! I definitely didn't talk to the auntie. Nahh, I was minding my own business and naturally staying still. Nothing crossed my mind of getting near to say 'Hi. She sat there, looking around. As I reached into my bag to take my purse to take RM1 for the ticket, the auntie opted out of the blue. She asked me first "Tunggu bas ke?" - "Yeahh" - "Tu sudah sampai bas" - "Yahh Yahh" - "Jaga itu beg adik, Melayu sangat jahat lahat". For seconds, I shut my mouth. Surprised. Very surprised. I smiled as an answer to that 'statement' she just made'. I saw the bus was coming. As I was standing up, she continued and "Saya penah, saya punya kawan, beg dia kena tarik sama Melayu. Melayu jahat lah dik. Jaga beg elok elok". What made me even more mad, is that, she just smiled making that statement. No no no. I was not focusing on her smile, I literally stumped by the statements. I stood up and just smiled at her and the bus stopped infront of me and I boarded. 

Just to clarify and devour her thoughts, I was clearly pissed off. I don't know if she was confused or is it my face looking so Chinese? I bet it is the reason. I look like a Chinese and therefore, she makes a statement condemning Melayu just because I look like Chinese. I mean, c'mon, it got worser when she replied the word "Melayu jahat' and fucking smile with it? No fingers pointing out. No hand signals to atleast less focus on Malays. Giving the look to that auntie, it breaks my heart. For the past years, I have never ever met a 'person', whom generally speaking, as Malaysians, living amongst each other everyday, facing different attitudes of people, weather it would be your culture or other than that, to have such ball opting out alone by herself and making that statement. I stray off from my static move that time. Look, I understand, she must have been confused or just fucking blind by my look. Yes I do look like a Chinese. I'm not praising myself alone, but people have come up to me and said the same exact thing. Even Chinese have done it. They have spoken chinese with me. Unintendedly. I have no problem with that. It's something I see as to what might come up later in my life. Nothing personal. But hearing an Indian, getting confused, or less than that, does it purposely and gives such shade to Melayu is such absurd. This is what I see for the next 5 or 8 years to come. It is an issue to whomever have dealt with, that is just gonna emerge many times. She smiled? She fucking smiled with a statement, to my personal life, is very hurtful. I mean, she could've been atleast, if she thought I was Chinese, maybe ask some questions about me. Or just come near and sit and fucking talk. How on earth did she just come up on me and fucking said something so personal. This happens to so many people that are just, cold-heartedly having a perception and preconceive idea over various races and religions and fucking make a mistake and misunderstood them completely. No. I would have been a big fat ass talker, to sit for atleast 20 minutes and have a talk, if she asked about me or any problems about any races. I know stuffs. It didn't  matter at that time cause she violated mine. I should have just smacked her in the pot holes. Anyway, to whoever out there, that publicly have seen or heard or by far, dealt with this type of misunderstoods, I really hope that as it happened, nobody gets hurt. Any races, any religions exist today, are what somehow a revolution of what people before had passed on to us. We either have to preserve, or change. Good day. God bless us all. Assalamualaikum. Salam Sejahtera.