Sabtu, 4 Oktober 2014

That Is When I Knew.

Assalamualaikum. Salam sejahtera.  I think it is meant to be that way. You know, I always tell myself to never give up on love. To never give up finding the right person for me. I tuck myself every night with the thought of that one fine day, could be a day when I met someone who is just truly loves me and totally means it. You know, these past months, I've walked  away from so many people. I've belt out with my inner voices, inner angers, loneliness is just for me. Just on the fact that, I could never ever ever find love in life. Just to the case that, I always fail on love. On keeping my relationship alive. And yeah, I've strayed off from my mind. Strayed off from everything around me. Logics, facts, memories, jokes, pities, guilts, feelings, even self-esteem. I lost self-esteem on getting away from everything. That is when I knew, that I've sunk deeper and deeper into the hole of failure. Failure in everything. I think it is mean to be it. I'm such a loser. It is not that easy to know how pathetic my love life is. Yes I've tried to make love with someone. Yes I've met someone over the internet. Yes I've bumped  into my ex's. Yes I've been myself all while just to feel my true feelings inside. And to know that I've gotten badder and badder on love, I just wanted to give up. It is that knowing of how, I'd say me being desperate. Yes. Calling myself a desperate now. And not ever since in my life, someone come up popping my life. Is it my fault? Is it me being so full of myself  to the fact  that I'm  unnecessarily avoiding my true feelings could put me in lonely? Should I stay tht way? Being desruptive to myself? Lots of times, I get a feeling of need. The need of someone. Frustration covers up my whole inner strength. Mentally, yes I'm fucked up. I try to take the high road. Try to change it. Change my feelings. Get rid of everything that stops me being me. The need of thinking someone every day, every night, every seconds. Needing of affection. Is it less shall I say, backing off a bit, lightens a bit my urge of having someone, could possibly put me away from sleeping with broken heart? Lesser? I don't think so. And yeah, physically, no matter what I do, I see people, bump into my ex's who are having relationship with another person, looking at my ex's pictures, old pictures in which its memories still blazing fresh in my mind. I always think that it is not  a big deal. Strive little Zack. Aim lesser shot. Don't get worked up over nothing. You will find someone. And I've been living believing that getting stucked, fucked up, lost over love, unwanted individuals, horrid confronts. It is what I believed. Somehow, the more I believe in it, the more I wanted  to just get out of that. You know, like a mercy of freedom. Getting the nervousness of not knowing what would happen let alone, what would happen to me in my life is an agonizing truthful life story. 

Guys, I can't tell of any much what I have been through and I had faced in my life. Love life particularly. And practically, I could not even be in someone's shoe, telling them what should have be done, what should not. And yes, practically, I could not even think of myself that some experiences have affected so bad. You know, I lost path.  Many paths. Paths to the way I personally wanted to go to atleast avoid this horrid feelings. Love for me has  been a lesson's learned. Some lessons either have made me or break me. There is no difference at all.  Patronizing as it sounds, I have had an awful lot of worst love life for the past two to four years ago. Seems like, it had to be that way. You know, like it was supposed to be me. Am I always the bad guy here? Aren't there any other villains to face this torture? Like it has been said, mentally I am fucked up. No other empty rooms to be filled with failure of love or frustrations from freedom of missing someone. Faking it is just the way it is. Faking it. Sounds very last minute. Seems such a lost. Seems like I am the looser who just can't stand up back fight. Sayings had pictured the mentioned  previous sentence. No matter how bad you lost, you have got to stand up back straight and fight. And I knew I was strong. I am knowing it now in this presence time. Should I care less about my strength? Should I be appeared in someone's fucked up love story and be the reliever for them, telling them how torn apart their heart is, be brave to fight. While I'm here living and believing even my love life is such a lost to me? Over what reason? Scared of the lonely? I hate doing that to myself. All I need is......................

Living. Believing. That is what keep me alive. That is what I draft away from any negativity. It's like a reached simple cartharsis. Lowered my goals. Just to be in a safe zone. Neglect the bads. I'm living the way I want my life should be. I want to be the kind-hearted person whose living is the example  to everyone. As tempting as it sounds, I'm willingly to take it that way. Just to let myself know that, if no one weren't there for me in time's needing, I have to put myself back up. Sometimes, I might have to let the tears always win. And sometimes I just have to be willing. Let my cheeks flooded with tears. Let my chest get so hurt from crying and get it squeezed after I sob. Let  on be that way. And sometimes, I have to remind myself that  everytime I think, I'm closer. To someone. To someone's heart. I might emerged on someone's mind. Dream possibly could  be. Rules are meant to comply. Is there anything special I could do to even have someone to be mine? Let alone temporarily. Whose live shall I be in? What can I do? 

Rabu, 17 September 2014

A Statement That Changed My Perception.

There was one day, I couldn't fucking remember that day. But roughly, I was going out to Kuala Lumpur. Planned it early before and got off from the house not to much on time. I'm used to doing that. That is me. I walked to the bus stop and had a sit. It was a clear, wonderful and gorgeous day. Sun was madly shining. My cornea shrinked. It was that bright. I was alone at first. No one was waiting there. Maybe the hot day sum up everything. Who would want to be stucked in that. In my mind, I was getting this imaginary scene, that what if I waited here for an hour? What if the bus hasn't come yet after half an hour? Will I be toasted? Will I get stary eyed from pedestrians? Well, fuck it. There is no surprise, stary eyed is the only thing I'm used to. But to be toasted in the middle of the day? Well, what a start. My day is made. Toasted. The first 10 minutes, I was enjoying the breeze. The tantalizing rising sun relaxed my skin a bit. I was sweating. I can't lie. Of course. Well, no one came to join me. No one seemed to come up and atleast be my partner of the excrutiating, deadly weather and loneliness themselves. 

I sighed many times. Kept blaabbermouthing "Where is this fucking bus" many times. I mean patience is one thing. But hot weather is another business unintended. I love swearing. Publicly, I called out many ignoramt bitches and assholes. Well, this feeling of it, it's just unbearable. So I kept swearing in the next 15 minutes. I looked around. Was enjoying the calm sound of the wafted breeze. Literally, it's like Beyonce singing 'Rocket' (For those who haven't listened to that song, try to check it out). And finally! Finally! There was a 'person'. A normal 'person' whom I ain't never had of getting near a judgement over this 'person'. An old, sweet looking Indian auntie came out of the car. Someone dropped her by the bus stop. Wearing a traditional Indian outfit. Sari and stuffs.  She sat near me. Couple yards away but on the same bench. I didn't smile. Quite shy actually. Nahh, I was. Couldn't have been any much better act but to stay still. Checked my stuffs a bit. Checked my phone, if there was any text. Checked my bags. Everything was spot on. Nothing was left home. 

As I was swearing the F word, finally from distance, I saw a moving big vehicle. That was the bus! Alhamdulillah. Good god! I definitely didn't talk to the auntie. Nahh, I was minding my own business and naturally staying still. Nothing crossed my mind of getting near to say 'Hi. She sat there, looking around. As I reached into my bag to take my purse to take RM1 for the ticket, the auntie opted out of the blue. She asked me first "Tunggu bas ke?" - "Yeahh" - "Tu sudah sampai bas" - "Yahh Yahh" - "Jaga itu beg adik, Melayu sangat jahat lahat". For seconds, I shut my mouth. Surprised. Very surprised. I smiled as an answer to that 'statement' she just made'. I saw the bus was coming. As I was standing up, she continued and "Saya penah, saya punya kawan, beg dia kena tarik sama Melayu. Melayu jahat lah dik. Jaga beg elok elok". What made me even more mad, is that, she just smiled making that statement. No no no. I was not focusing on her smile, I literally stumped by the statements. I stood up and just smiled at her and the bus stopped infront of me and I boarded. 

Just to clarify and devour her thoughts, I was clearly pissed off. I don't know if she was confused or is it my face looking so Chinese? I bet it is the reason. I look like a Chinese and therefore, she makes a statement condemning Melayu just because I look like Chinese. I mean, c'mon, it got worser when she replied the word "Melayu jahat' and fucking smile with it? No fingers pointing out. No hand signals to atleast less focus on Malays. Giving the look to that auntie, it breaks my heart. For the past years, I have never ever met a 'person', whom generally speaking, as Malaysians, living amongst each other everyday, facing different attitudes of people, weather it would be your culture or other than that, to have such ball opting out alone by herself and making that statement. I stray off from my static move that time. Look, I understand, she must have been confused or just fucking blind by my look. Yes I do look like a Chinese. I'm not praising myself alone, but people have come up to me and said the same exact thing. Even Chinese have done it. They have spoken chinese with me. Unintendedly. I have no problem with that. It's something I see as to what might come up later in my life. Nothing personal. But hearing an Indian, getting confused, or less than that, does it purposely and gives such shade to Melayu is such absurd. This is what I see for the next 5 or 8 years to come. It is an issue to whomever have dealt with, that is just gonna emerge many times. She smiled? She fucking smiled with a statement, to my personal life, is very hurtful. I mean, she could've been atleast, if she thought I was Chinese, maybe ask some questions about me. Or just come near and sit and fucking talk. How on earth did she just come up on me and fucking said something so personal. This happens to so many people that are just, cold-heartedly having a perception and preconceive idea over various races and religions and fucking make a mistake and misunderstood them completely. No. I would have been a big fat ass talker, to sit for atleast 20 minutes and have a talk, if she asked about me or any problems about any races. I know stuffs. It didn't  matter at that time cause she violated mine. I should have just smacked her in the pot holes. Anyway, to whoever out there, that publicly have seen or heard or by far, dealt with this type of misunderstoods, I really hope that as it happened, nobody gets hurt. Any races, any religions exist today, are what somehow a revolution of what people before had passed on to us. We either have to preserve, or change. Good day. God bless us all. Assalamualaikum. Salam Sejahtera. 

Sabtu, 30 Ogos 2014

A Memorable Trip to Teluk Kemang.

Hello guys and girls. Basically, based on the title above, I should have updated this long ago. But I've had had some restrictions along the way so it couldn't be done. This should have been posted on the day the event ended. Sorry for posting this entry after it had ended so long. I'd like to start this entry with a message to Azrai "Sayang, I know you are busy with SPM, I totally understand it. I want you to strive the best and be great. Day or night, I will always miss you sayang. You take care and be nice, be a good boy and I love you for the rest of my life". So, everybody, dated on 03/08/2014, on Sunday, Me, Popo and Adele wickedly started our journey from Sunway Pyramid heading to Port Dickson. Adele was our driver since Me and Popo don't know how to drive. We don't even have license. Anyway, we were so stoked to go there. Cause honestly, it is quite obvious that this was our first kinda trip-travelling-look-alike that we all had. So, it had to be good. It started great along the way there. We were singing. Adele was hysterically laughing all the way there. Popo and I, we pretty have done a good job in sustaining Adele's energy. Cause we all know, Adele is one-moped up son of a bitch. He would surely fall asleep or maybe drive fucking slow or anything annoyance that will surely emerged. 

Actually,  I was very excited at first. Really excited. Well, who doesn't. We have princess Blue Whale ( Adele ) and Yogi Bear herself ( Popo ). This must get wild right? It felt better when all of us sing, taking pictures and even fucking around outside the window. That was me. Literally, I would love to fuck a bitch. I was that wild. They couldn't even control the devil inside of me. I was about to get so wild, my dick was so wet. I erected all over the parts. Popo, for quite some times, stayed quite. She probably didn't have the energy enough to catch up. Well, we all know, Popo is someone who will entirely get fucked up tired after being hype up. Like the imaginary of the outcasted sextape. The bottommed one who got so energized but the top is just can't catch up. Blowing out every car in our way. Adele literally, almost over-limited the speed. I looked at the speed meter, and good God it almost hit 200kmj. This bitch was not playing around. But yeah, Popo and I had a great time in the car. We also chased down some hunks along the way. Adele had the idea though. We followed through it as well. Whenever we see one, we literally go pass by them and just drive besides them just to get up and close attention. We screamed as loud as fuck just to let them atleast make a stare. Adele was the one with the eagle eye. He detailed everything. Even us, couldn't see it that fast. We had to upclosed everything. Pointed at every car. Along the way, Adele was so hyped up. Too fun! There were many cars even bikers got chased down. Might possibly, that is single life. It literally portrayed us as the characters in it. I mean, those two have big fat asses but me, on the dark side, is fucked up just on that part. It was not that good. To be having some trolls fooling my skinny ass. 

Fortunately, we got there around good time. I think, as I remembered, it was around 4pm. It was a sunny day. Sun shone brightly our skin looked like a gold chocolate bar. We arrived at Teluk Kemang. Firstly, my expectations for Teluk Kemang was, there would be a lot of fucking people, fucking around, half-naked along side the sea course. You know, families, picnics, sand-castles. But, it turned me down. Teluk Kemang was not that great. Adele said, it probably Port Dickson had a better water. Well hunny, it don't matter. I want to see people. Not that I won't be acting so desperate looking for a mate but yeah, it was inconvieniently left me speechless. I supposed my aim of finding a gorgeous mate could have been at somewhere else 'nicer' and 'less tacky' than Teluk Kemang. But, pass on to Adele and Popo whose life lived on like forever by the water. They literally swam like a free rat. I mean, not  that they acted ratty or what, it's just that seemingly awful. So as to what I've noticed. They had so much fun and there was me, walking by the sea, taking pictures, random pictures, watching and glorifying the beauty of sunshine in that beautiful evening. So, I've heard. Presumably, it hadn't been that great for myself indeed at Teluk Kemang. Those two wildly interacted in the water. Good God! Meanwhile, what should I do to keep myself entertain by the sea, along and miserable? Now that is a shocker. Well, when they finished touring the water, we got back in the car. Had some ice-creams before that. It has been a long time we haven't had ice-cream together. Well, not to myself, I craved for it. Bought for them too and we had pleasure exfoliating the ice-cream that literally Popo was left hanging with hunger of it. But we continued the journey to Port Dickson. While we were on the way, I expected some beautiful sceneery, more people and atleast some small canteen to eat. Well, you know, we three are the humalion. That is the mixes of ( Human + Lion ). Cause, as the exotic beings, ( That are Me, Adele and Popo ), we tend to get hungry easily. So, expectations over a canteen is a goal that is seemingly to be false. Anyways, we made our way to Port Dickson. I was again, literally hanging on the outside of the window. The left window, whose Popo chair was sitting which by the way was so close to the back sit. I couldn't even sit behind. Had to move in the middle of the sit, in between them, partially being provoked as the lunatic whose mouth never shut up cause I was essentially screaming and straying off the sit that I moved too much. Made them so uncomfotable. Well, fuck it. I don't give a damn. The day call for it doesn't it? Popo was so quite. Maybe the whole way through there, she needed energy. Preserved energy to be useful. I was thankfully did not act super over reacted. Even though the act of looking outside the window from the car is actually my favorite habit of life whenever I'm acting crazy. Yes, I was acting crazy. Fun and crazy. With Adele though, he cut my space for a quite some times. He was soooo annoying. Intentionally driving the car from left to right while speeding while I put out my head out while the song was played too loud so when I scream from outside, they could never hear a thing, while everyone outside was looking at me like some kind of moron. They were some bikers who just couldn't bare the situation. Adele cut me some slack too. God knows how much that disturbed me! 

So we arrived at Port Dickson. Anyways, I could not tell you more. The other situation of the trip is best kept to myself under the best of circumstances. Alright. Here are the amazing pictures I took at Teluk Kemang and Port Dickson. 







I had a great with these two soulmates of my life. And I accept every less or if more from them. I love yall so much and yall  have been a wonderful colour in my life. It's more better when we are together right? I'm gonna miss this moment. 

Ahad, 24 Ogos 2014

Thank You Malaysians.

Helloo! Yes Yes! I'm back. Anyways, it has been a great month for me and for everyone else. On this August, usually, Malaysians will be celebrating our most memorable date in ourlives ever and that is The Independence Day ( Hari Kemerdekaan ). But, as far as I'm concerned, this year, as to what I know and hear, there will be no ceremony or any outdoor activity openly on the 31st of August. I'm shocked! At first, it was a shocker. My friends told me and I completely misunderstood. But, apparently, as to whole world has known, the tragic tragedy that happened on our Malaysia Airlines MH17 that has been shot by some cold-hearted imbecile. Yes! We are all mad! But, we all know, the most priority goes to those who died and we will be remembering and honouring every single one of them no matter who they are. This tragedy will be one of Malaysia's darkest and saddest part of our histories past or presence. We all know that the people who died are all our brothers and sisters. Whether in any form of shape or skin colour or anything, there is no race, no religion, no classes, no sexual orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We all derserving of love and I would like to thank every Malaysian, no matter yo'all come from, for being so nice with each other, for being supportive and respectful on what had happened, and for proving that we all can stand together and unite as 1 Malaysia. Thank you and thank you for all the love and care. 

Khamis, 14 Ogos 2014

I Think I Lost Him

Well, to be really honest, since Eid, our relationship has been jacked up. Like seriously jacked up. Forget ups and downs. Literally, everything decreased from me and from Azrai. No more love texts. I mean, sweet, long love texts. No more calls. Just a chat. A simple short-timed chit chat in which on the other is due to my first move texting him in the first place. Why do I need to do everything first than him? No no, I'm not saying that I detest everything I do for him whether it got to be me doing it first or not. To clear things up, Azrai, since he got back to Melaka, and until Eid is fucking finished ( Presumably, on the 7th day ), he never shown me any sort of caring behaviour. He was like stopping to text me. Ignoring every texts I sent him. I don't know if he was too busy with many things back there, but at least please find a time for me. Don't fool me. Do not fool me and tell me that you didn't have anytime at all. Humans rest fucker!! You see, these sort of problems are actually such a beast.  It kill me to do and focus on everything cause on my mind, there is only him.

I remember the first day he went back to hometown, he told me that he will spend so much time with his family. Look, I'm no expert to guess what you do there but thank God, I still can accurately assume from my instinct, what you would do if I would have not texted him in a first place. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing that attracts me happily is that Azrai treats me nicely. Understands me. When I say, I love you, I mean it. Love me irreplacebly. Give me tender and affection. But now, everything is changed. Changes that are not entirely expected from me. He strayed off from my mind day by day. I try so much not to lose him. For God's sake, the efforts that I put into having him still with me and loving him more and more despite what mentally and physically abusemenst he has done to me, are priceless. Since Eid, he has changed a lot. A lot! I understoond from the first day he went back hometown how drastic his act would have been. That was the alert arm. It has rung many time throughout Eid and until now. Azrai kept making excuses that are for me, is diabolical. 

The word 'ABIY' he used to call me, is  no longer playing in any text. Pasts were the times we had fun. And pasts were the times, though me and him are so distanced, we managed to work everything out. And pasts said it all. Now, in this presence time, it is unlikely to see 'Abiy' appeares in his text. I know, I always play the victim. I have to 'find' him everytime. On any random circumstances, I am the one that have to 'find' him in the first place. I'm not condemning. I'm not telling that I'm tired of doing that. For Azrai, I would do anything for him if it takes life between the thinnest line to have him with me, yes I would do. Cause I love him so much. And on that particular part, I just need him to know that I might be resting for awhile. I may be having a lonely time. That my day has been fucked up. So I need him back. I need Azrai to 'find' me and tell me everything that is going on in his days. That type of caring and loving gesture, are the needs for me. In my pasts, I had to fight for my lovers. I faught for them to stay. Loved them with all my heart. I had to sacrifce, God knows what. Everyfuckingthing, was so damned. And now, with Azrai, I hate to do that to him. I don't want that to happen on him.

Since my last brokeup, I think, 2-3 years ago, I vowed myself to not have any relationship. I'm the relationship I need for myself. But then I met Azrai on Instagram. ( I will update our first meet on the next entry ). Coming from where we started clapped eyes on each other, I find Azrai to be the most loved person I ever had and I ever loved. In my perspective and personal life cases, for every person and every unkown stranger whom I've met in the past, just to top my point in the previous sentence, Azrai tops every living thing. Seriously, nobody has ever done this to me. Yes we fight. And yes I've beaten him. And yes Azrai was swollen on his parts of his body. I beat the shit out of him. ( I'll tell why I did that on the next entry ). Having said that, the agony I had when I did that to him, was painful. I lost self-control. If I hadn't controlled it, Azrai was a dead man. You see, I know we faught, I know I've sworn at him many times, but that don't stop me a single second, from loving him.  I guess, Azrai has already met someone else.

Khamis, 10 Julai 2014

Ahmad Azrai bin Abdullah.

You know, we never what will happen in the future. We have thoughts of it, but to know what's coming, is one tough act. Take it from a perspective where everything was a beautiful sceenery, apart from having shitty friends, fake smile, horrendous life plans, I would like to be distance from my typical thinking. You know, like when everything I see, I would relate them with something in which by not any means, gonna be the same thing over and over and over again. 
Well, I just realized that  it has been soooooooooooooooooooo long since my last update. The last enrty I wrote was about my experiences during New Year's Eve. Well, that happened. And that happened so much longer ago. I hate to recall. 

Since my blog is a 100% fully written in Bahasa and this is actually my second entry, in which I technically write in  English, I would like to stay to my old style of writing. Is that okay for you guys? Hm, memandangkan aku dah lamaaaaaa tak update blog, kalini, apart from telling stories about this years' new year's eve, or my reenactment of Simon Cowell's criticism which I posted on Instagram, or this year's horrible accidents in Malaysia or maybe anything tacky from our beloved non-stop crisis in Parliament today in which on the other hand is due to the lack of commitment from everbody. So, kalini aku nak cerita sikit pasal hidupppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp!!! 

Aku taknak cerita panjang panjang, sebab entry kalini aku dah nekad nak buat simple simple je. Sebab this is my first entry of 2014. Like ever! Can you believe that! Hm-hm, aku pun sebenarnya, akan update more entries after this. It is like so to say, "I'm officially back blogging bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Macam tu lah. So, you know, I'v been on my own for many long time. No love. No love pet. No love book. No love music. No love thought. No love call. Everything about love for the past, I don't know, a year ago, I'm the most down-sided, easily turned down human being in the sorta case. Yeah, I'm a shmuck. But, benda tu tak membuatkan aku mengalah. No no no. Aku tak mengalah. Maksud aku, aku taknak mengalah dalam hidup dan cari cinta. 

Several days a go, I met someone over in the internet. Alrighty then, on Instagram. Actually, it was like movement of a finger point. I was checking someone's list of followers and ended up seeing this beautiful profile. It was very instance. My heart told me not to be over-reacted. Cause you know, I'm a person who is easily hype-up. As I was scrolling down this person's profile, I'v been hooked. Beautiuful pictures. And stunning graphic. I clicked follow though. Without having any sense of follow back or atleast, a picture liked from this person, he actually commented on one of my videos. Well, I've posted a lot of videos, but this particular video was like a 18sx kinda dirty standard for kids. Whatever. So, he commented on my half-naked video. I didn't talk. I was only a song played in the back. I was holding my phone, holding it at the perfect angle that my body seemed arousing to the naked eye of humans. Lol.

I have been experiencing nights full of sweet thoughts, showers filled with bubbles, meals with the aftermath of pointing tummy, and many exotic things too.Too much actually, too much. He clicked my feeling though. I can't tell how much I adore this small cute guy. So, aku akan sambung yang lain in the entry okay? So far, this is the latest update. See you in the next update :)