Isnin, 3 November 2014

The Very Personas Of Ones Life

Assalamualaikum. Salam Sejahtera. Well, it hasn't been that long since the last entry has it? Hm, I really hope yall waited patiently. Would it be better if I updated my blog every single week? Well, from the get-go, or so to call, my new life's resolution upon my passionate desire for my blog, I wanted to update my blog if could, every single week. Its just, I have a lot to live for. Not saying I'm a very busy man, just some things are worth settled for. Anyways, this is my update, up until now, I'm still single. No love. No fuck buddy. No sweet call from anyone special in particular. Completely normal life for me. Normal ordinary life. Plus, I decided not to have any relationship with anyone until I get a new job. Been few months now. Jobless. Staying at home, watching movies after movies. Spending life with books, writing and music. Pretty much a perfect life right?  Is it the life that I wanted years ago before before I ended high school that perhaps, was my biggest aim in life? I'd say yes. Just let myself to be me. I can just be me by being me. It is a must that I keep it that way. No turning around. No incomplete of personality. Even I had to face a much tougher problem that I couldn't cope with, it still had to be me. Now, that Azrai is gone, I still feel like my love in my heart, never empties. Just to be truth, it don't matter how I wanted to stray off from the thought of him, but still never works. The missing of Azrai. Forget about it Zack! He never come back to you. But our love remains the deepest in my heart. Just for now, in the mean time, starting over ain't worth it anymore. With New Year's Eve around the corner, and making new resolutions ain't gone make me a better person. Jobless. Could I be this strong to be in that situation where everything I wanted just fly away before my eyes? Not saying that I want to have fancy everything, money isn't eveything, but I believe I need money. That is just the nature of it. The nature of how things work. I partially don't care about having the same things in life, but overall perspective over myself that I could say is that, I need a job. Miss how I really used to wake up early morning when the time I worked my first job. Its the feeling of that. Seeing everyone in the morning. At the bus stop, coffee shop, bars and even the cleaning ladies up until now are the ones I missed. Going to work. Morning was my weakest time yet the one I wanted to go through. I had managed. Turning down every single job opportunities. I'm not sure, if now, I need some times away from everything or the truth about it is that I never understood that the needs of myself is a prioritized box of chances. Chances that either myself nor anyone around me could never ever give. Oh yes! I genuinely fight for a job. Anyways, my birthday is 3 days from now. So, I'd be more human, less vain, and a loving creature if I could have presents. 

Well, just picture me sitting down alone by the road at a coffee shop reading 'The Truth About The Harry Querbert Affair'. Uh! It certainly what I look forward to. The book itself, reminds me of how complex life can be. How hard it can get when ones can't understand how it works let alone, to survive in serverity. And how easy some mysteries can be untold in a blink of an eye. Let the pigs fly. You be the ones to fulfill your aims Zack. Goals in life are set on high hopes. I could need a help. Yeah. A helping hand reaching down at me. I, apparently stucked in between realizing and believing. I bet to be realizing how hard to be jobless and neve done anything to even change that status quo, is the most horrendous act upon life. Been there, done that. And there is the other way waiting at the end of the tunnel. Believe. I had believed in some sort of kinda fucked up factual fact about how some people say, 'You have to smart to be complicated'. Couldn't agree more. You see, it is uncanny of how it reflects back to my pasts life that the things that I had done or never could have done because I was too scared to atleast sacrifice, are the ones I crazy about. I get crazy over the things I couldn't prove myself if I ain't never done it. I get easily being that, just to show myself up and come down with my friends at the town and being fun and crazy just to the very point of my life, I just wanna get away from horrible situations in life. What could I do better? What could the things I've never done, affect me in any way? The prons and cons? I manipulatively restart my brain and start over again. Telling myself, it's okay if some things go wrong. No. That is a fucked up speech. Ain't nobody want that. Believing that you can't put a stop to some ongoing horrible things in your life and still stick to that until the  very top of extremity. Complicated. That's me. People don't understand me from the very second the got me at 'Hello'. Yes I don't really like arrogant people. Immediate turn off. The deal is, how much extra special attention does I have to give just to come up ordinarily when the surroundings are the people I don't belong to be with. Let alone, shake hands. Should I be pretending to have the connectivity with the ones I hate? I hate to do that. Anyone knows me, can tell how I hate to show anger and hatred upon those people. Sinniest sin I could ever done. So, complicated it is. I usually let the horrids to be where it supposed to be. But, I don't really let go that easily. Nor the people around if they got into verbal fights me. Oh hunny, start clapping if you were about to lose cause that would be the last thing you could deliver to me. Its just, I see myself as a complicated being. They make me complicated. People always say you have love yourself before others will love you, I guess that is harded than some for others. Don't misunderstood. I love myself. I love being complicated. I just let it through myself. Sometimes I feel like, I try too much to fit it, I ended up having dynamite in my face and blow up my whole face. Just for being over trying. It sucks. People always under-estimate. They done giving advice and contradict it back and forth. I personally don't really engage in some sort of things that could make me look badder than I ever be. I mean, it's a problem that my head could never ever cope. It'll make my forehoead weighs so much. And as I recall, the problems in the past have learned me a lesson. A lesson's learned. Lousy problems most of it. So to say, it had make me a better different person. Maybe I just too many personas. Ranging from a very shy person, quiet and self-absorbed to vain, frightful, atrocious kind of person. The really fabric of my personality vary multiple times as I meet more people. As it happens over and over again, I tend to change more. Being different with certain people. Meaning that I don't stick to being the very me. Sometimes, just to flash back many of my personal life crisis, makes me want to pull the trigger at my head. Let it explode. Even the passionate ones. The goods. Save me anyone? Am I being too complicated yet no one understands me? Is it that, the more I change from time to time, has make me look badder that I catagorized my friends? I used to sit on my old chair and just spin my head thinking about everything. Just to keep myself on the track, I would listen to many sad songs. Letting it out. That is the essence of my life. Some big old fucked up way. I have a vision of what I would like my life to look like after some times. But now, what is going on, is me! I am the one. The very being of myself is the key to wanting want I want and striving the very best things I dream about. I have to be brave to figure myself. Having a bunch of mutliple personalities disorder is nothing. Face that. All I ever wanted is to help everyone and by that I have to prioritze the needs for myself in the first place. Let them vary. Such fool of myself, am I? Just let yourself explore life and give the best gift to yourself that is success. Sometimes, I do enjoy being complicated. So that anyone would never understand me. So that, everyone never denies when I say I'm okay when my eyes say differently. So that, I can be in my world. Fucked up, but enjoyable. 

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