Sabtu, 4 Oktober 2014

That Is When I Knew.

Assalamualaikum. Salam sejahtera.  I think it is meant to be that way. You know, I always tell myself to never give up on love. To never give up finding the right person for me. I tuck myself every night with the thought of that one fine day, could be a day when I met someone who is just truly loves me and totally means it. You know, these past months, I've walked  away from so many people. I've belt out with my inner voices, inner angers, loneliness is just for me. Just on the fact that, I could never ever ever find love in life. Just to the case that, I always fail on love. On keeping my relationship alive. And yeah, I've strayed off from my mind. Strayed off from everything around me. Logics, facts, memories, jokes, pities, guilts, feelings, even self-esteem. I lost self-esteem on getting away from everything. That is when I knew, that I've sunk deeper and deeper into the hole of failure. Failure in everything. I think it is mean to be it. I'm such a loser. It is not that easy to know how pathetic my love life is. Yes I've tried to make love with someone. Yes I've met someone over the internet. Yes I've bumped  into my ex's. Yes I've been myself all while just to feel my true feelings inside. And to know that I've gotten badder and badder on love, I just wanted to give up. It is that knowing of how, I'd say me being desperate. Yes. Calling myself a desperate now. And not ever since in my life, someone come up popping my life. Is it my fault? Is it me being so full of myself  to the fact  that I'm  unnecessarily avoiding my true feelings could put me in lonely? Should I stay tht way? Being desruptive to myself? Lots of times, I get a feeling of need. The need of someone. Frustration covers up my whole inner strength. Mentally, yes I'm fucked up. I try to take the high road. Try to change it. Change my feelings. Get rid of everything that stops me being me. The need of thinking someone every day, every night, every seconds. Needing of affection. Is it less shall I say, backing off a bit, lightens a bit my urge of having someone, could possibly put me away from sleeping with broken heart? Lesser? I don't think so. And yeah, physically, no matter what I do, I see people, bump into my ex's who are having relationship with another person, looking at my ex's pictures, old pictures in which its memories still blazing fresh in my mind. I always think that it is not  a big deal. Strive little Zack. Aim lesser shot. Don't get worked up over nothing. You will find someone. And I've been living believing that getting stucked, fucked up, lost over love, unwanted individuals, horrid confronts. It is what I believed. Somehow, the more I believe in it, the more I wanted  to just get out of that. You know, like a mercy of freedom. Getting the nervousness of not knowing what would happen let alone, what would happen to me in my life is an agonizing truthful life story. 

Guys, I can't tell of any much what I have been through and I had faced in my life. Love life particularly. And practically, I could not even be in someone's shoe, telling them what should have be done, what should not. And yes, practically, I could not even think of myself that some experiences have affected so bad. You know, I lost path.  Many paths. Paths to the way I personally wanted to go to atleast avoid this horrid feelings. Love for me has  been a lesson's learned. Some lessons either have made me or break me. There is no difference at all.  Patronizing as it sounds, I have had an awful lot of worst love life for the past two to four years ago. Seems like, it had to be that way. You know, like it was supposed to be me. Am I always the bad guy here? Aren't there any other villains to face this torture? Like it has been said, mentally I am fucked up. No other empty rooms to be filled with failure of love or frustrations from freedom of missing someone. Faking it is just the way it is. Faking it. Sounds very last minute. Seems such a lost. Seems like I am the looser who just can't stand up back fight. Sayings had pictured the mentioned  previous sentence. No matter how bad you lost, you have got to stand up back straight and fight. And I knew I was strong. I am knowing it now in this presence time. Should I care less about my strength? Should I be appeared in someone's fucked up love story and be the reliever for them, telling them how torn apart their heart is, be brave to fight. While I'm here living and believing even my love life is such a lost to me? Over what reason? Scared of the lonely? I hate doing that to myself. All I need is......................

Living. Believing. That is what keep me alive. That is what I draft away from any negativity. It's like a reached simple cartharsis. Lowered my goals. Just to be in a safe zone. Neglect the bads. I'm living the way I want my life should be. I want to be the kind-hearted person whose living is the example  to everyone. As tempting as it sounds, I'm willingly to take it that way. Just to let myself know that, if no one weren't there for me in time's needing, I have to put myself back up. Sometimes, I might have to let the tears always win. And sometimes I just have to be willing. Let my cheeks flooded with tears. Let my chest get so hurt from crying and get it squeezed after I sob. Let  on be that way. And sometimes, I have to remind myself that  everytime I think, I'm closer. To someone. To someone's heart. I might emerged on someone's mind. Dream possibly could  be. Rules are meant to comply. Is there anything special I could do to even have someone to be mine? Let alone temporarily. Whose live shall I be in? What can I do? 

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