I May Not Come Back After This.

I know times get rough for me. Even now, it gets rougher from time to time. Hey guys, my name is Zack Zuandyy Abdul Latif. I'm 22 years old and soon will be 23 on November 6th. I love my blog and I love it so much. As it appears, I haven't updated anything at all. A proper subject or the usual share that I always open to tell everyone. I have some problems and there are now obstacles and it is due to some of the unending and unavoided circumstances that have delayed my interest in sharing my life with you all. Now, all I can feel is loneliness. That is all I can feel. Nights pass by and as it goes, I would lay in bed every night, with a book sits untouched right by my side and all I can feel and hope is to cry. Another cry and another cry. It is so hurtful and yet intimidating for me to have become this invalid. To be gone in my own longing. The longing in which I always cringe everytime I think about a hug from my mum or a kiss from my dad. A kiss that is so warm I can still feel on my face. Kisses which for me too, have kept me so seemless. After my foster parent died, all is left for me is hope. A leap of faith too. They were all I had in this world. My foster mum, Allahyarhamah Maimunah binti Othman and my foster dad, Allahyarham Abdul Latif bin Ibrahim Adham. These two folks were to me, the happiness and the sadness I could get from. Why was everything had to change? They didn't have to go. They did not have to leave me alone in this cruel and lonely world that I live in now!!!!!! Mama and Babah have always told to be patient. Generally speaking, it is the only thing that will make us believe in anything we have. In anything that seems right. Even the bad thing that has happened in my life, I can still hear them telling me everyday after I wake up from my sleep, or before I step out of the house to go to work, or even when we are all watching the tv together, "Be patient. It makes you stronger. You'll win" And that is all I can think about everyday. 

Assalamualaikum 2016.

It's quite a long time for me. For all of us. I miss yall. I miss to write. It's like a speeding is coming.  It all coming back to me now. The long wait. I'm just so happy to be back now. Happy to be able to write again. 

I Can't Give You Anything But Love

Assalamualaikum and Salam Sejahtera. I'm working now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at Parkson NU Sentral. I love it so much! So much. It's fun. Working with a bunch of happy people. Happiest person can really be my cup of tea. The joy of working there, plus waking up early at 8.00 am, plus with the 10 minutes walking ( Approximately ) , from my house to the train station, adds with the sweats dripping down my cheeks, with the longing wait for the KTM train, and just arriving at work and working all the time is so great. Tiring but I allow it. I get to get myself worked up. It has been a year and my bones ached enough. They done enough. To me, this job and working experience have changed me so much. Inside and outside. Alrighty then, enough with the blab. Yall know now that I'm working. Oh yeah, 1st floor, Department of Adidas and Nike. Lol

Starting with the simple words. I LOVE YOU! Hm-hm, I met someone :) Yes. I met someone. Do I have to repeat myself? It's love. A great guy. A wonderful human being. He is Syamil Razlin. Well, not to hang everything down, but the sure thing is we sort of picked up the relationship a bit late. Slow on the move then everything just exuberated. It seems that we didn't have the clue that non of us has feelings for each other. I couldn't have the plenty ideas of what slowed us down. Lol. It started at the tip of my finger. Well, technically my thumb. The fast-moving typing through chit chat on Wechat. We were friends for so long actually but never did text. Occassionally. So, I had to do something. The thing about Syamil is that, the first time I knew him, of course I didn't know that he is what he is now. So, I expressed my feelings. Just to make a move. That first move of bravery and brivety. To see the response he'll give. What I got was surprising. The joy of knowing that he felt the same way as I did to him was fulled. Just take me with you. During the long hours of texts and fights with endless weird words popping out into the conversation, the feeling kinda built up. We shared everything. Well, now the no-no part is when you knew that hesitation and lying isn't the go-go thing. So I avoided that naive thought. It has killed my relationship so bad. I called him 'Amey' as in 'I'. He likes it as in 'E'. I don't care. Lol. Amey makes me happy. He laughs the cutest. He smiles the cutest. Everything he smiles, his flat chin goes back, my stomach flips. Each time he says he loves me, it gives me butterfly. I don't know my life would be pictured without him. I will be devastated if that happened. You see, this thing gives me joy. Work, and love and everything and family and friends. That, all in one is a bowl of happiness. Bowl isn't that big though, I shouldve said a bucket or maybe a luggage. Anything sorts that well :)

We are looking forward to be the happiest and cutest for the next forever. I love you Amey. Please don't leave me. 

Living The Dream

Assalamualaikum and Salam Sejahtera. Well, now. Let start  with a conclusion of what had happened for the past a month. To be frank, the reality has repeated itself. The sort that I claim as the luckiest one. Permanently? Or just Temporarily? Question of my own in which I couldn't really answer myself.  The thing is that I don't really expect as such thing to happen. Many of my expectations really overpassed the limits of the suicidal calamity of its core. Framkly, the rest of my expectatios are really non-prohibited to the lawless of my dream. My dreams are validly improving day to day. The days when my dreams are thoughtful to the variety of my collective biased non-dreams. Well, I do really take it for seriously. We all dream the most dreamable and undreamable dreams. Many of us really have dream. The  most excitement is really towards the level  of how we all concentrate in the achievement of the dreams. Since we have the mind and the heart to really achieve our dreams, well we of course have to reckon the possibility of ourselves in limiting and over-limiting the resistance that come in the way. Way to achieve the dream. People, we need to acknowledge that. I have been busy these days. To get what we want. To achieve what we dream. Rarely, I have achieved dreams. Plotting the ways of how dream can really get true. True in a way that we all be in a happy feeling. Now, the first thing first, I acknowledged the full potential in knowing the reality of how hard to get my dream come true. Try me. I have known so much things in life. Not being arrogant, but the knowledge is so biased. Hahahaha. Logically speaking, I have gotten used to the typical dreany type of dreams. It is quite absurd to say it but it is what it is. Potentially, my aim is to really be happy. In all way, shape and forms. Remain to be what I am. What I have now is a collection in which I have worked so hard to get. I had to really be in act. Being myself is so hard. Typically, around my beloved strangers. Strangers can be really pain in the ass. That sort, that always give me painful reaction to the fact that some, could give me cancer. Diving into the hole of hopelessness and lifelessness with being so unfriendly around strangers, is so emotionally harrassing. Indeed, I am really concern of my dreams. Loving every facts of life and experiences of life. Living the dream. Living every part of my dreams. Hardest one, is really non-prohibited for me to get to. Sometimes, I do know that we all could be so crushed. So crush that even myself could be so insufficient to my daily basis lifestyle. I know I could do much more! 

Au Revoir 2014.

Assalamualaikum and  Salam Sejahtera. Well, guys this is the last entry for 2014. I know, I haven't written anything much this year. There are only few of them that I wrote and it all mostly about my fucked up love life and that are quite selfish. That's the word I guess. I knew that the minute I decided to write back, I should have shared every hardship, constant battles I went through, the lies I did and I faced up and all the life's greatest obstacle in which in some parts I managed to pretend like it never happened. Loosing the memory off this year, gonna be hard. It goes the same on he previous years. I know I should have written more. Time changes rapidly and the only thing that seperates my writing and everything is the future I can't foresee. All the rest of my valid, oblivious, ready-to-achieve goals have been succeded. As to what I know, this is the only year that I feel like I did nothing. Literally, I feel like throughout this 365 days, the only things I do are watching loads of movie, loads of tv shows, listen to loads of music, loads of people's life complaints, reading loads of books, witnessing loads of trust issue of people, making sure loneliness strikes me every middle midnight, eating loads of healthy foods, jogging as much as I can, crying the living shit out of me everytime I watch Mariah Carey's performance during her leagues years, remembering every One Direction's lyrics to their every song off their '4' album, going out with friends and new friends, a complete stranger I know in Tagged, or PlanetRomeo  or Grindr to town and getting to know each other's shitty life story that I  personally don't like to do with a stranger but I did it anyway due to affirmative boredom strike, watching back my stupidly annoying lip-syncing videos which I recorded in my Tab that I have posted all of them on Youtube so that everyone can see the stupid, annoying, horrid side of myself, sharing every little realization with my writing which hypocritically I wrote in my blog so that everyone reads it and feels like they should punch me  in the face for keep telling my fucked up love story, recklessly refusing every wedding invitation from anyone, hating on and on at how Emma Thompson didn't get nominated at the Academy Awards for her brilliant performance in Saving Mr. Banks, rewatching back the Golden Globes, Oscar, SAG Awards, Emmy Awards, VMAs, Billboard Music Awards, EMAs, AMAs. You see? I don't really do nothing this year. Except the parts of how which I constantly bragging about how marvellous Meryl Streep in 'August: Osage County', of  Chiwetel Ejiofor's mind-blowing performance in '12 Years A Slave'. 

You know, I have just confirmed that I'll be working next year. Hahaha. Yes yes yes. What a new year resolution that is right? I'm mocking my ownself just to say that sentence. Telling my friends and my family about it is another joke they laugh hilariously at and that  for me, is indeed very therapeutic. Motivational, basically speaking. It is the oppurtunity, which I often talk about amongst my friends. Supportive as they can be, I still find it very hard to get a job. So, I'm determined to really get a job. Enough said. I remember last year, we were all together as family celebrating  new year's ever at Kuala Lumpur. It was the day I couldn't forget for the rest of my life. Although, I must say, 2010-2013, were the greatest years of the celebrating new year. Those were the best days that all of our friends were together. Friends from every corner of Kuala Lumpur. Some too, were from outside of Kuala Lumpur coming down to Kuala Lumpur just to celebrate together. Friends from Ampang, Taman Melati, Sentul,  Cheras, Bangsar, Gombak, Selayang, Batu Caves, Kg. Baru, Jalan Ipoh and many more. I remember my closest group of friends, from Pantai Dalam. They had the most joyest laugh and whenever we hang out, meet together, we make jokes out of nothing and fucking laugh until of us shed  tears down the cheeks. That was some magnificent memories we ever had. And for me, I personally think, that can't be top at all from any of the present event of celebration I have. Those days, I had to be presumptuous that I were to make memorable memories with my friends at everything we do, I just had to expect more. Sometimes, I expect too much, I tend to hide the things I though were unimaginatively good to be turned out to. Whenever we all gathered together,  they will be laughter, joyest smile, fight at the scene, making out in the public to the couples, running around like a maniac with bags hanging at the back and unfinished ciggarette dangling at the lips, and mostly, dirty talk war. Oh yes we did. We still do it. Just when everyone gets to calm down, there will be, surely, one dirty potty mouth, popping out words and will trigger a dirty talk war. Curses all over everyone. I loved  it! I loved dirty talk war. We cursed  everyone around. Just our friends, not to strangers. If  we did, it had to be the stupidest thing anyone could think of to do. Then, after the curses were done, we sat down at the bench at Pavillion. Watching the 'scenery' at which we all talked about the lingering, littering people at there. The very own new curses sometimes  were invented. We had had hardness to went through this habit. To overcome it. Never doing it  for once but it is in our blood. This is us. We are being us. We were spectacular it. That, I missed the most. Every little things we did as friends, waiting for the clock to tick right at 8 pm and we off to KLCC. Our place of celebration. The birth of new joy and new sentiment of fighting in scene. Lol. We didn't fight, but if one of us were threaten by any other member of other group, we  stood together and just fight. But, for the past 4 years of celebrating new years eve at KLCC, we hadn't encountered ourselves into a fight. We all were malevolent to all types of people. You know, locals, non-locals. KLCC is the only place that is basically gets bombarded by all types of people. Forgive me for saying this, but I don't enjoy it at all. Well, I just have to get used to don't I? There are non-Malaysian dancing around, the smelt of left diapers, the air is just sucked out of the atmosphere  and finally, I realize I suck in the not so very air kind of air. It is more like a sledghammer, hammering my fucking throat. Just sucks! Don't get me wrong here, I do enjoy having loads of different type of people in one crowded airless place, but the other half of those different type of people that are smelt of oil palm tree. Stinks man. Nevermind, I'll manage with that. It had been the sickest way of relieve for most of us, friends, to let ourselves up to the point which 'This is new year's eve. We don't care what we see, hear or smell, this is a celebration. And we fucking celebrate'. Suchaaaaaaaaaaaaa motto right? I can say that, I miss my friends. Whenever they are, they are all my friends. Though it is hard for me sometimes to spend time with them or how sometimes I just monologue myself alone in my room and thinking about the memories we all once had and shared. Spread the love Zack. Live the excitement. 

We all have been staying as connected as we can for this upcoming new year's eve celebration. Hm-hm, calling everyone. Being nice with old nemesis. Staying positive as possible at the horrible recent event occuring right now. Massive flood. All over east coast of Semenanjung Malaysia. Blurgh. I feel sorry for everyone. The victims and the families anywhere they are. So, we all have decided that this year's celebration is going to be KLCC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh yes we all will be there. We all will be making chaos all over the streets of Kuala Lumpur. We all will be dancing and running around with Vans shoes, blonde hair, particularly me with the red hair, we all will be spitting out gums at each other, cursing at each other until the joy of it turns out as suffering and  fighting and yeah we will leave out  footprints on the ground if you fuckers would love to join us. Hopefully that this year will be the biggest celebration of all. I can't wait to meet everyone. Seeing the faces of my old friends and newly friends. Hugging until we can feel the back bones of each other. Kisses and making out too! My greatest gratitude to all the victims of flood. I see you guys in 2015. I love yall  and thank you for being a part of this greatest journey of my life. I want to thank every single one of you for reading my blog. 2014 may not be the best year for my blog but I shall in 2015. Happy New Year Malaysian. Happy holiday everyone. I miss my friends.  Be kind and be safe. Assalamualaikum and Salam Sejahtera Good bye 2014.  

You Hurt Me. I Don't Like It So Much.

Assalamualaikum and Salam Sejahtera. Well, I know it has been quite a long wait for yall. Well, I waited myself to write more. Now, I sort of have gotten the 'writing' back. The 'ideas' back so to say. Before I gallop off to the sense and sensibility that is, my pile of positivities, energatic passion, and once for all, my enganges towards the very 'wet' part of my life, love life and love life. Yeah, I said it twice. It is a big deal. Love life. Doesn't it fascinates you that everytime I write, love always pops out into every entries. You know, this morning, around 6 am, I was listening to some of Birdy songs; 'People Help The People', '1901', 'Wings', 'Standing In The Way Of The Light' and many more and I sort of felt like the songs were speaking to me. I know, it's spooky. It was what I felt during the emotional encounter that happened between my soul and her lovely voice. Just keeps playing in my ears. Her notes are really smooth. The vibratos in between every lines, end perfectly to her singing. Through Birdy, the normal heart of me, beats faster. I can imagine the only beautiful voice to be heard, to be recognized by the people, yet she has that voice. Her voice is instrumental. Enough said, well, yall know that 'guy' whom I talked about over and over again in my two entries? Yeah, turns out, he is a sucker! Son of a bitch. A low life brat who constantly neglecting every good thing I do to him, I sacrifice for him. A misfit, whose fucked up life is a never-ending. So, that sums it up I guess? Yall know what I mean by the short elaboration of random swear sentences just now. I hate that guy. He is prolly the worst nighmare of all nighmares I ever had. Looking back at how horrid this has been, I solemnly swear that it would be a great pleasure yet again, for my own self relieves, to act upon this horrible situation, forget everything. Forget that little prick. Eventually, this is not the end of the world. This is not the end of my dream of having a perfect love life. Yes I crave. Yes I need it. Everyone does. To me, this incident is another stone step for me to excell my trust issue and to dream less when there is more much to expect. Anyways, enough silliness, I hate you bitch :)

Our First Movie Together.

Assalamualaikum. And Salam Sejahtera. I'm beginning this entry by saying that 'I absolutely love him'. And with that being said, this entry is the connection from the previous entry below. I met Ejat over Facebook. Long time ago. We first had our conversation on Facebook and things were kinda fucked up along the way during the pasts and we lost contact each other and I never heard of him ever since. Sometimes, I did text him. A call. But it weren't like the proper type of calls I had with anyone. And he knows I liked him long ago. My feelings never changed. They are still fresh and it blossoms everytime. If I hadn't make a move, to call him, text him in the first place long ago, I don't know what the hell am I gonna do with this feeling. I held it for so long and somehow we met again over the internet. It was on one social network. Planetromeo. So from that moment, we clapped eyes with each other again and ever since that happened, I have been the happiest person in the world. Look what you have to me Ejat. I fell in love with him at just one glance to his profile picture. P/S, he is a good looking man. No doubt. So, what makes me happy is that, he felt so happy that we met again. Never ever in his life, he has been this happy. I felt happiness too the second I heard his voice on the phone. It was beautiful. Well, to be honest, I did swoon. Blushing so much. 

So, from the previous entry, I stated that we had out first  meet at KL Sentral and things went great  that day. Literally, happiest I've ever had. He looked happy to meet me. No wonder, he was so shy before we meet. Well, shy is a good thing people. You will end up happy with anyone you have feelings or emotions at. I felt that too. From his look, I could tell, he was so shy by my side  And we walked into NU Sentral Mall cause I was basically on that day, supposed to find a job. That was what I asked him for. And the walk felt good. I looked at him first and asked him 'Dah makan', 'Kenapa tipu I tadi. Kata dah sampai lama', 'You jahat' and he just smiled big. And goodness, his smile. I even got butterflies in my stomach just to see he smiles. He stuttered. Shy and innocent. We went up the highest level just to atleast make the survey smooth. From up and all the way down. That is how I do whenever I go out shopping or anything. Hm-hm, he went along great. No excuses. We talked about many things. I did catch him looked at me sometimes. Starry looks. Best thing is, he didn't feel shy at all whenever I said something about us. You know, I always joke about marriage. He always laughs when I talk about the topic. From the moment I talked about 'How would our marriage look like', 'What theme it would be', 'Do you wanna have children or not', I started to call him sayang. In public. At first, he got all happy and easy about it. Loving everytime he smiles when I call him that. He just smiles and of course, I feel happy to call him that. Its just my thing. So, we walked through the whole mall. It was super crowded. Parade of humans. Hunger of freedom to shop. Since it is a new mall. Along the way, I have asked in for vacancies. Few retail stores. And when it all got done, I asked to go to Empire in Subang Jaya. 

The walk to the ticket counter from the escelator down to the below level was smooth. I grabbed him by his neck. Smoothly just play with his hair. He didn't glance away from it. Matter of fact, I did hug him. Just kinda lean it towards him and held his waist from the back. Held him tight and he didn't give me a bad response. No pushing away. Well, I supposed that worked out well. Got to the counter station. At first, we saw the que was too long so we decided to go straight to the vending machine. I slipped in my two fingers into my pocket and took out a piece of RM 10. The total amount of the tickets  was nearly RM 6 or so. A ticket was RM 2.80 if I'm not mistaken. ( I forgot ). So, I looked at the screen, RM 10 wasn't availabe for the purchase cause the amount was not accessable for it. So, he took out his wallet without any thoughts and tried to slip in the amount. A ringgit by ringgit at a time. It didn't work out. Tried many times. We even laughed together at that time. So we ended lining up to the counter ticket. After finishing with the ticketing, we went out to the platfrom. To Pelabuhan Klang. We searched for sits, but as I mentioned, that day was so crowded. Each platfrom was crowded with people coming and going. Our platform was fairly the same. It was weekends and what to expect right? As we got to the platform, he stood still for a moment. Checking his phone and everything. I was quite away from him. He was standing right infront the big fan. I was sweating. Not that  much. Just a dripping little sweats. Then, he talked out "I laparlah". I smiled and was like "Nak makan apa lepas ni" - "Um, entahlah" - "I nak makan roti canai lah" - "Roti canai? Haaa, pagi je ada roti canai" - "You makanlah roti canai. I nak makan lain" ( That was the  conversation. I didn't exactly remember the exact words )

The train arrived, we sat on the horizental sits where just two people are supposed to sit. Near the windows. We sat on the left sides of the train. He sat on my left side by the window. The two of us just kinda talked along the way. I let him to hear some of my favorite songs. One specifically that I gave him 'Boys 2 Men - End Of The Road' but the noise of the train was too loud, we couldn't hear it clearly. But I kept it playing. 

We arrived at Subang Jaya station. Walked out off the station and made our way to Subang Parade. He wanted to eat. At that time all I thought was movie. I wanted to watch movie. Just at that right moment 'Hunger Games; MockingJay Part I' is out so I supposed I had to ask him then since that was the only clear and right moment to do that. He didn't know anything. I braved myself to go for it. Right after the entered Subang Parade, we walked for a bit. Stroll around the mall. A lot of people too. There were some exercise thingy. A bunch of people dancing accordingly following the person on a stage stretching and moving to the music. It was quite a show. During that time, I still hadn't ask him about the movie. He looked super hungry. We went down to the lowest level. The food court. He still hadn't make any choice where to eat. What to eat. I did come up with some suggestions. Mamak for instance. I bet he needed to eat something heavy. Rice or something. I saw Chicken Rice Shop, asked him, and he said okay then we ate there. I still hadn't ask him about the movie. At CRS, I kept asking him about how he felt about me. How he felt about my feeling towards him. You know, a lot happened at that time. ( I personally, don't have to tell that part ) So, after finished, we walked.  I wanted to ask him but I was just fucking scared. So, purposely, I walked to the movie theater. Just atleast to give him a headstart. A though. An idea. I asked him then 'Tengok movie nak? - 'Nak tengok ke?' - 'Jomlah'. He was in dilemma at first. I didn't expect any good or bad response. Just a movie. Lol. So, he was like 'Okay jomlah' - 'Okay jom' . We got to the screening. I absolutely went 'Hunger Games!!!!!!!' - 'Pukul berapa you?' . The movies started at 3.10 pm. At that time the clock ticked 2.00 pm. An hour free. 

So, the rest of the day went along great. Movie was great. What we did in the movie was great. What we didn't do in the movie was great. Lol. The day passed by so fast. I couldn't tell you all more. I will update it in the next entry. Thank you :)